“You’ve got to accentuate the positive Eliminate the negative”
                      ~ Louis Armstrong

Bonnie watched as her daughter prepared to marry her soul mate, and everything seemed perfect as the day drew near. That is, until people close to her behaved in inexplicably hurtful ways, threatening to upset this important occasion. Her father and stepmother decided not to attend and her best friend was continually absent. She knew she had to do something to ensure this didn’t happen, but what?

1. Identify the negative
Two major insights surfaced with this exercise. First: she had spent her life dreaming of a close relationship with her father, yet he seemed unable to give the emotional connection she desired. Her fantasy of what could have been continually set her up for disappointment. Second: she was reluctant to ask for support and ended up struggling on her own, as people assumed she didn’t want or need help.

2. Engage in empathy
Bonnie realized a large source of her pain was caused by the assumptions she held. She consciously decided to play with different perspectives to gain a better understanding of these ‘hurtful’ behaviours. She soon realized her father didn’t have the capacity to relate to her – not because he didn’t want to, but because he never learned how to connect on an emotional level.

3. Make a ‘mess’
Open to different perspectives, it was time for possibly ‘uncomfortable’ conversations. To open the door to greater mutual understanding, Bonnie talked with her father and best friend individually. She used concrete examples to explain how their behaviours impacted her without placing any blame on them. She asked for their perspectives and listened. She finished by making specific requests on how she’d like to be treated.

4. ‘The break up’
It became evident that neither her father nor her friend was capable of meeting her requests. When she re-evaluated, she became aware of the fabulous support network she has that provide her with what her father was unable to. She chose to accept her friend for who she is but set an internal boundary. Downgraded from ‘BFF’ to ‘friend she enjoys occasionally’ she’ll turn to more dependable friends in the future. Bonnie broke up with the negativity in her life.

5. Her new policy
Bonnie now spends time with the people who fill her up. People who drain her and neutral, indifferent people no longer get her attention. She’s learned who she is, is shaped by who’s around her, and she’s chosen to accentuate her positive.

H&L

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