er temperature rises along with the boiling water, yet he answers her questions with no more than a grunt. By dinner time, she’s furious, and he simply checks out to avoid dealing with her displeasure. Venus on Fire Mars on Ice explains why this scenario plays out as it does, and what can be done to break the cycle.
Several years ago, my relationship was quickly going sideways. Hopeful to discover a solution, I came home from the bookstore with John Gray’s relationship bestseller, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. What I read made me angry. From my perspective, Dr. Gray was letting men off the hook when it came to responsibility in a relationship, and tossed a greater burden on the backs of women. So I promised to be open-minded as I read his new book in preparation for my interview with him in July. And I admit to unexpected surprise, when only a few pages in, I realized the book is an informative, valuable and practical guide for nurturing healthy relationships. Rather than focusing on how men and women behave differently, he reveals why we behave as we do. It all comes down to hormones.
Hormone drivers
We know men and women have distinct driving hormones, but new research
reveals how men and women deal differently with stress and how it impacts our relationships as well as our health and well-being. This is particularly important when you consider our current stress levels. As Gray points out, the majority of women work outside the home, then start their second shift as chief cook and bottle washer, chauffeur and tutor. Men struggle to keep up with changing work environments, and constantly evolving societal expectations. Collectively we’re sleeping less, eating worse and
becoming sicker.
| New research reveals how men and women deal differently with stress and how it impacts our relationships as well as our health and well-being. |
We know stress kills relationships. But what we haven’t heard until now is the impact stress has on the hormones that are meant to make us feel good, energetic, vital and interested in life.
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According to Dr. Gray, men need an ample supply of testosterone to cope with stress, while women feel stress relief with adequate levels of the ‘bonding hormone’ oxytocin. Both sexes have each of these hormones, but respond differently to them. Too much testosterone raises a woman’s stress levels, making her feel isolated, angry and demanding. Too much oxytocin can make a man sleepy and reduce his testosterone levels significantly and he becomes deflated and disinterested.
We can restore balance and rebuild healthy relationships by supporting our hormones through sex-appropriate, stress-relieving behaviours. Gray writes that a woman can replenish health-supporting oxytocin levels by connecting and bonding either with her partner or friends, whereas a man who gets the required rest after energy expenditures rebuilds his stores of testosterone, to once again become
interested in his partner and the activities he enjoys.
Stress recuperation
The book outlines the often overlooked role of balanced blood sugar in helping each sex recuperate from stress. Without a steady supply of blood sugar, the brain lacks adequate fuel to create the hormones serotonin and dopamine. Serotonin helps us relax, while dopamine provides motivation. Once again, men and women use these hormones differently: at the end of the day a woman’s serotonin is depleted, but she’s loaded with motivating dopamine. Men have used up dopamine by day’s end, and with their high serotonin stores, simply want to relax and restore their energy – a recipe for conflict in a busy home!
Fortunately, Gray offers practical
solutions for a variety of issues throughout the book. He includes key behaviours to help us get what we want out of relationships, including priority setting, improving communication and creating romance. Gray recommends nutritional supplements to help support hormone balance, like adaptogenic herbs to help restore the adrenal glands that become exhausted with chronic stress.
| At the end of the day a woman’s serotonin is depleted, but she’s loaded with motivating dopamine. |
If both partners are sincere, Gray’s recommendations for building or
rebuilding a loving relationship make sense. In fact, even our non-romantic
relationships can benefit from the
information he provides. Whether you are currently in a relationship or not, Venus on Fire Mars on Ice is an important read to help you understand why you feel the way you do – and how you can feel better! H&L
Listen to Lisa’s interview with Dr. John Gray on Lisa Live Friday, July 30 12:30 EST TALK820 AM or live streaming at LisaLive.info |
