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| for men’s eyes only
women beware!
by Craig Courtice
Here’s what I know about erectile dysfunction, it sucks and it’s hard. Or rather it’s not hard. Even the terminology is lousy. It used to be called impotence, but that was too emasculating, and not even technically correct. So it was replaced with “erectile dysfunction”, you know - ED. Very empowering! Do we get a special parking permit for that?
In the spirit of openness that this condition should inspire, I’m going to be up front with you - I don’t know dick about ED. What you want is some expert advice. Since my girlfriend is always saying men think with their crotch, I decided to go to the source. Here, for the first time, an exclusive interview with my penis. |
C Thanks for agreeing to this. It’s very big of you.
P Don’t you start with the cracks about my size.
C No, I just meant it’s a very sensitive subject.
P Listen, I had an off-night yesterday.
C That always seems to be the problem lately, what’s up with that?
P That’s the problem (dejected with head hanging).
C I heard that erectile dysfunction affects 30 million men in North America, including 52% of men aged 40 to 70. Is that true?
P As you get older you’re more likely to get heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes and cancer. As if those aren’t bad enough, the drugs used to treat them can mess with the circulation down here and you get fizzle instead of sizzle, leading to ED. But then there’s all the effects mental problems can have on sex. If you’re stressed out, or depressed about work or worried about performance, it’s tough to fire on all cylinders, no matter how old you are.
C Very impressive. How do you know all this anyway?
| | - P Hey, we’ve all had problems. But there are plenty of doctors out there who can help a guy you know – erectify the situation and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.
C So what can be done?
P First of all, don’t worry. That’s really important and thanks to medical technology, 70% of ED cases can be solved. These brainiacs can even use Doppler radar, you know, the stuff from the Weather Channel, to track blood flow in your privates. Once you’re diagnosed, there’s a whole whack of treatments. Blue pills, yellow pills, therapy with a shrink, and if those don’t work, injections and pumps.
C As Mordecai Richler said, it’s amazing what men will do for two minutes of friction.
P And he was writing before Viagra and Cialis. Now, to get those precious 120 seconds, men pop pills that keep them on the ready anywhere from 4 – 36 hours.
C Four hours? That used to be a round of golf.
P Never mind, 36 hours - that makes for one fun weekend. H&L
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