Bringing fun home with teens?
by Sharmaine Ryan

When Jeanine finally sat down with me and took a sip of her coffee, she looked exhausted. “Liam came home last night at 2:00 am,” she said. “I couldn’t sleep until I knew he was safely in the house. Yesterday Lana burst out crying when I offered to cut her hair, and this morning she bolted to the mall with her friends the minute she crawled out of her bedroom. I don’t know…I feel like a dingo has stolen my babies! The minute they turned sixteen - BAM! All of a sudden there were these mysterious, pimply strangers in my house. Sometimes I only see them when they want to use the car.”

It’s tough being a teen, and it can be every bit as grueling to raise one. Teenagers are mucking through the most emotionally insecure time of their lives. Hormone-crazed, emotional time-bombs who fully believe their 15 year old friends know more than their parents about every subject in the world - from sex to world peace. How do we get inside the minds of our teens to bring them closer to us?

Teens can do a very convincing job of making you think they don’t need you, says Dr. Scott Wooding, Calgary psychologist and author of Parenting Today’s Teenager Effectively: Hear Me, Hug Me, Trust Me. Don’t believe it. Teens need you more then ever. They need you to listen. They need to know you care. And they need a dependable structure in their lives that only their parents can give them.

Hear Them
Sean, 15, Hamilton - “When I try to talk to my dad, he just cuts me off. He starts lecturing me about something he’s told me 14 times before.”

“If your teen thinks you don’t hear when they talk to you, they’ll go elsewhere”, says Jay McGraw, son of television psychologist Dr. Phil, in his new book Closing the Gap: A Strategy for Bringing Parents and Teens Together. “You don’t want that. When your teen plops down beside you, stop what you’re doing. Focus on their words and listen to the emotions behind them. Listen so well that you could repeat every word back to them. And, whatever you do - don’t interrupt.

"If your teen’s words are argumentative, rebellious, irreverent, or disrespectful - as if that won’t happen - try to focus on the goal here”, says McGraw. “Give your teen some slack, hear them, and then hone in on the message that lies beneath the heated rhetoric. Often the message is a cry for help. Keep in mind you’re the grown-up here."

Lacey, 16, Fredricton - “It’s hard to tell my dad anything important. I know he’s just going to freak out. He usually does.”

Remaining calm is tough when your teen tells you something that shocks or scares you. When your daughter tells you her best friend was high at a weekend party, your mind immediately fills with fears. Was your daughter high too? Are there drugs at all the parties? What else goes on?

While it’s perfectly normal to be worried, Dr. Wooding says, “Do not let it show! If you want to find out what really goes on in their lives don’t blurt out your concerns or opinions. Hide your feelings, stay calm, and only after your teen has finished their story do you ask one or two needed questions. Don’t give them the third degree." They have to feel safe and trusted.

Hug Them
Believe it or not teens need obvious signs you care. Spend time with them. Tell them they’re great. "Adolescents respond very positively to time spent with them, and are alienated by parents who seem indifferent," says Dr. Michael Pratt, Chair of Psychology at Wilfred Laurier University. "Teens react to a lack of guidance and structure as if the parent doesn’t care."

Sean, 16 - “I wish my parents were more involved. They could try harder to do anything with me. Like - help me with schoolwork, or if I had a baseball game, you know… if I was showing what I can do… it’d be nice if they’d come.”

"There is no such thing as quality time", says Dr. Wooding. Occasional outings, such as a baseball game do not make up for weeks of neglect. While these events mean a lot, most teens prefer smaller amounts of your time, more frequently. It can be as spontaneous and casual as cooking dinner or shopping together. And tell them you love them often, they long to hear this.

Set rules
Have short meetings, after dinner when everyone is in a good mood. Decide the areas you’re going to cover - curfews, homework time, computer time, advises Dr. Wooding. In each area, ask what the teen wants first. If it’s unreasonable, suggest an alternative. Come to an agreement before moving on to the next item. Make sure there’s a clear reason for each rule. If teens understand a rule, they’re more likely to follow it. Renegotiate as the need arises.

Have consequences
Teens expect a consequence when they break rules. Penalties are proof their parents care, teens really get this. Consequences should make sense and be fair. If you can’t think of one, ask your teen. They’ll know.

Teach them to fish
Pat Buckley, a Registered Clinical Counsellor in Vancouver, and mother of nine says, "Children need to make as many mistakes as possible while they’re still in our care. It’s through these experiences that they grow."

If you want to raise wise kids, be there to help them think through their decisions. Ask them questions, so they can learn to hear and trust their own voice when they’re out in the world. Buckley always asks her teens, “If you could do it again, what would you do? Teenagers are impulsive. It’s accepting that and helping them know themselves. It’s putting the door handle on the inside." H&L